years of tears

"Life is a journey, not so much to a destination, but a transformation. Looking back doesn't it sometimes feel like our richest times come right in the midst of our hardest? But God made us to life in community, to laugh and cry. To hurt and to celebrate with each other, no matter what were going through. And transformation is tough, and we dont always end up where we think we will. But we have to remember, that even when we struggle to believe in Him, He always believes in us. He fills our lives with purpose and passion, if we just let Him. And the best part of the journey, is that the God of the universe, sometimes allows us to play a part in changing the world. Isn't that a trip?" ~To Save A Life
   Five years ago today, everything changed. I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome and everything, everything except His faithfulness, everything changed.
   A few years ago, my dad told me hearing that news was similar to the reaction he had when he heard about 9/11. In the moment when you hear the initial news you understand that it's big and will have a large impact on your life, but you don't understand how big of an impact it'll have until you're a) out of the initial stage of shock and b) the longer that event is in your life. To this day five years later, I still don't think I'll ever fully realize how much POTS has affected me and changed me.
   It's truly incredible all that can change over a five year span. If you would've told me I would've made it through those dark, dark days at CMC, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me I would be a full time student at Baylor two years ago, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me I would eat a meal daily in the nine month period I didn't eat, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me I would have a feeding tube three years ago, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me some of the people I considered my closest friends would leave me through out this daily battle with a chronic illness, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me I would be an active member of a sorority when doctors told me I was crazy for rushing, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me I would have the sweetest therapy puppy enter my life when I was at one of my lowest points, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me this illness would've altered the career path I had seen myself pursuing since I was seven years old when I began college, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me some of the people I have become closest to are doctors and nurses, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me that me getting sick was what brought Casey Fleming and I closer than we've ever been, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me the girl who ran away from her flu shot in fifth grade and hid in HEB would have countless blood draws and painful IV's started, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me the girl who had never been on the inpatient floor that she would spend over a year of her junior/senior year in hospitals across the country, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me that when I passed out in Devon Johnson's bathroom while getting ready for freshman homecoming and she took care of me was just the start of Devon being there for me through all sorts of health challenges, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me when I missed my first Family Camp in eight years that this Labor Day weekend I would be going on my second run as Head Counselor, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me the girl who played high school basketball that one day she wouldn't even be able to walk to class due to fatigue and would require quarterly back procedures, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me the girl who's favorite bible verse was 1 Timothy 4:12 (just because you're young doesn't mean you can't make a difference), that she would soon have people tell her that her life inspired them, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me that the independent high school girl who refused to ask for help even when she was in way over her head would soon require daily help, I wouldn't have believed you.  If you would've told me not being in the "cabin" at Camp Travis and instead sleeping in the nurses office would've lead to me meeting two of the greatest mentors and friends (Claire Raabe & Erinn Overby), I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me I would be driving a motorized wheelchair at age 19 instead of a car, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me that I would meet my best friend due to having the same chronic illness (Hailey Watts), I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me the girl who lives, breathes and thrives off of social interaction with others would soon face social isolation, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me that passing out at Young Life and being carried out by guys I had never met before (Taylor Sutlive, Austin Greer, Michael Fanning, Hayden Weir & Colton Wilson) would've lead to me finding "my boys", I would've never believed you. If you would've told me that the girl who had constantly chosen joy her whole life that she would face extreme depression and anxiety, I wouldn't have believed you.  If you would've told me at my first Dr. Patel appointment that I would meet the most incredible girl who would forever change my outlook on life (Kaylee Carew), I would've never believed you. If you would've told me the girl who was always searching for inspiration in people who had faced trials would soon face a massive on going trial of her own, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would've told me during those dark days at Texas Children's that I would still be alive and breathing, five years later-there's no way in heck I would've believed you.
   The crazy thing is, all these things DID come true. The Lord's plan for my life is far beyond what I will ever be able to understand or comprehend and some days that's hard to fathom. However, at the end of the day, I sure am glad He's in charge and not me. How underserving am I of a Jesus who loves me through thick & thin.
   Jesus cried, so today I will too, for a variety of reasons. Tears of joy, tears of accomplishment, tears of mourning of a life lost, tears of sadness, tears from depression, tears from social isolation, tears from anxiety of fear of the future, tears from excitement of what's to come, tears of thankfulness, tears of gratitude and tears just because today is hard. Life is hard, but God is good.
       Lord, not my will but Yours be done.