so what's next?

If you are a senior in college, the number of times you have been asked this question by this stage in your life is so high that if you had a dollar for every time someone asked you might actually be able to start putting a dent in your student loans. While there are some who have known what they are doing post grad for a year or longer or some still have no idea-both of which are fine, everyone’s timing is different. Well, I’ve known what my post grad plans are for well over a year, but I’ve been keeping it under wraps because in all honesty, it’s something I’m scared to admit, and in some ways ashamed of.

I’m taking a gap year, a year off. I’m moving back to San Antonio…and back into my parent’s house. (I’m officially a boomerang child, shout out to Dr. Smith’s Intro to Family & Relationships class freshman year for teaching me that term). I know many people take a gap year-but they DO something on their gap year: teach English in a foreign country, spending time in a discipleship program associated with a summer camp, doing a year of mission work overseas. My plans involve well…a whole lot of I don’t know right now. I’ve been keeping it under wraps, in hopes that by the time I wrote up this news I would have a better idea of what the next year would entail. At first I thought: I’ll write this over Christmas, which became I’ll write this over Spring Break, which became I’ll write this when I take these senior pictures (which was now a month ago), which became I’ll write this when my senior pictures come in (which was a week ago and then I got sick and spent 22 of 24 hours a day of my last week of undergrad sleeping)…and now we’re here. I’m a planner, I wanted to be able to see things through.

As incredibly challenging as being a student with a chronic illness the last seven years have been as a student, there was some level of comfort in knowing what came next-a fresh slate of classes leading me closer to my goal of becoming a college graduate. In less than two weeks, I’ll leave the sweetest home where I hit the jackpot with my roommates—and Grace’s boyfriend (Ben) and Emilee’s fiancée (Connor). The five of us, plus Sadie, have become a family in a sort of way and I will miss their community deeply. We’ve half joked about vacationing together with our future families…the discussion just becomes how we’ll afford to pay for it haha. In some ways, I’m finding college graduation more terrifying than high school graduation. For one, the public school system made high school a nightmare in more ways than I can count. Our whole family was ready to be DONE with the mess that high school was. For the most part, I was same trajectory-college. Following college graduation, everyone seems to be going in different directions: the majority seem to be headed to Dallas (ha), engaged, married…and then there’s me. Ever since I’ve gotten sick, I’ve felt like an outsider but I even more so feel that way following graduation. (Side note: most of my Baylor friends are graduating this weekend but I am headed to Alabama for my friend Melissa’s wedding. I am thankful for the distraction as I think it would’ve been hard to be around campus watching all my friends walk the stage and without the wedding and wouldn’t have a decent excuse to not be there for them except pride. This way, I’ll be in a completely different state, having fun, and therefore hopefully distracting myself.)

So this summer I am going to complete my practicum at the Vine Wellness Center, under the supervision of a play therapist. I am actually very excited about it! (In short, a practicum is an unpaid internship where I work 120 hours. My supervisor doesn’t get paid anything and I don’t get anything, yet we pay Baylor a large sum of money for this to count for three hours of credit, makes sense, right?) Since I am wanting to use this experience as a time to learn more about play therapy and see if this is something I want to pursue (which would require me getting my Master’s), I am hoping to be able to sit in and work with children in the play therapy sessions, but that of course depends on the parents giving their approval. I’m hoping also to work with the Center’s therapy dog, a golden retriever, and learn how to integrate her into sessions. I will also be doing typical intern work such as working at the front desk and running their social media. Hopefully, I will also be teaching workshops once a week throughout the summer, one designed for parents and another for children, either based on my own interests or on the interests expressed by the community. More than anything, I am hoping this practicum experience gives me the vision to see if play therapy is something I want to commit to further down the line, pursuing a Master’s and all the time, energy and money that will go into obtaining the necessary certifications.

Next year will go one of two ways

First option: I end up needing surgery to correct a tethered spinal cord surgery, which is something that Dr. Francamano has been investigating for over two and a half years, the surgery would end up being in Rhode Island (with the possible need for IVIG treatments in New York and a port placement surgery) and I would end up taking at least another gap year to recover from the surgery year. For now, I’m choosing not to disclose more details for the whole Internet to see via blog post, as even the possibility of this surgery is something I have shared with my closest circle. If further testing and the team of doctors working on my case decide this is what needs to be done, then I will cross that bridge with ya’ll when we get there.

Second option: My depression increases. I feel lonely and miss having the community, deeply miss my roommates. I sink into a struggle of trying to find community. Not having a car dampens my social life even more, as I can no longer walk or scooter to the majority of my friends houses. I struggle with feeling like my college degree was for nothing. I see my friends getting married and my struggle with singleness deepens. Loneliness increases as the twins are constantly gone at school, busy with their own activities and my parents are both working. At the end of the year, I still don’t feel certain in what He has called me to.

What I’m hoping for is the middle ground-improvement in my physical, emotional, spiritual, mental and social health. A year of all around well-being improvement and restoration. Some things I have already outlined as wanting to pursue include:

·      See the doctors we have been putting off for years due to school-Neil Nathan in California, Petra Klinge in Rhode Island, the possibility of a trip to another multi-disciplinary hospital (like the Mayo Clinic), improve quality of sleep

·      Explore procedures and alternative treatment options we haven’t been able to take advantage of in the past-IVIG in New York, manual therapy in Dallas, ketamine, find a PT & OT who specialize in POTS & EDS, aqua therapy, arthritis, physical trainer

·      Visit friends and family all across Texas & spend extended periods of time with them just enjoying life-Dallas, Austin, Houston, Fort Worth, friend’s lake house, Margs + Matt in California and/or NYC, Cypress, Dripping Springs

·      Visits at Baylor, A&M, UT

·      Help friends plan their weddings and/or engagements and/or wedding events (I’m an Enneagram 2 so I am my happiest when serving others…let me serve me and help you!!)

·      Find a therapist that I can connect with on all of my beliefs, views, faith and engage in rigorous, scheduled, committed therapy

·      Visit the Meads’ in California once sweet Baby Dana is born

·      Read for fun for the first time in years! People magazine, Sports Illustrated, What Color is Your Parachute workbook, Welcome to Adulting, Single/Dating/Engaged/Married-any other suggestions?

·      Start my journey to read all the way through the Bible-looking for a devotional that can help me do so

·      Join a church, get involved in serving in the preschool ministry and join & invest in an all girls’ young adults’ small group

·      Find social outlets-Kappa alumni group, church life group

·      Decorate room and hope for a possible move (the dream would be a one story with two Master’s or a guest house so I can have my own space)

·      Volunteer at places such as the Children’s Bereavement Center, my church and others

·      Substitute teach and/or shadow at private schools with a Pre-School and/or NAEYC accredited pre schools

·      Find out what the root cause of this insane weight gain is (medically it doesn’t make sense) and loose the weight!!! I would like to drop at least 70 pounds.

·      RELAX! Lots of coloring, nail painting, baking, new artistic hobbies, Netflix/Hulu/Amazon Prime watching-gimme ALLLL the suggestions!!

·      Clean out my closet as well as my parents and replace with new pieces

·      Explore Pinterest and whole foods and Trader Joes, try out new recipes that are “Ashley safe”

·      Have large t shirt blanket made, but only once I start grad school and/or get a job because confession: even though I don’t want to look like a washed up college student living in their glory years, I plan on wearing my Baylor Kappa t shirts until I figure out where the heck life is taking me

·      Mom wants to write a book about my experience at Baylor…I think I’m just going stick to the blog but hopefully work on the 50 plus blog post prompts I have in a document waiting to write/people wanting me to write

·      Explore the possibility of getting a service dog (don’t worry Sadie I would never leave you); when we had looked in the past financially it was either go to college or get a service dog…you can see the decision I made. However, I think getting a service dog would help me in a variety of areas in achieving independence so I am wanting to investigate this further.

·      Investigate the “joys” of Medicaid and health insurance because to be honest, I have to have health insurance one way or another

·      Educating the medical community on POTS & EDS is one thing I am really passionate about. I don’t know exactly what this looks like, but I’m thinking going into nursing schools and med schools to educate them, inform hospital staff…this is something I will have time to dream about what will be most effective and helpful for not only students like me but that those in the medical community will respond well to.

Where does this take us from here? Well, yet again, we really don’t know. I literally cannot not have health insurance which throws in a whole another wrench knowing that I won’t be able to work full time. Some things I have to think about:

·      Career options: ideally working in early childhood and then pursuing a graduate degree for play therapy

·      Pros/cons of grad school for play therapy

·      Pros/cons of working in early childhood

·      Professional friend (kinda sorta not kidding)

·      Nanny

·      Other thoughts: writing devotionals/books, blogger, professional friend (kinda sorting not kidding), children’s ministry, family ministry, family camp, training therapy dogs, NAEYC...

So, this all boils to what I believe has been a challenge for me every day since I became sick seven years ago: the older you get the more you desire independence and autonomy and yet here I am, going backwards. The older I get, the more I have had to depend on my parents in ways that I had never imagined, and truthfully never had I. My mom keeps telling people “can’t believe we’ll be empty nesters in a year” (i.e. when the twins go to college) and I keep having to tap her on the shoulder and be like…um what about me? This is not the path my parents and I could’ve ever imagined and, in all honesty, I feel guilty when I think about it. When I was born almost 22 years ago, I have a hard time believing that this is what they thought their daughter’s life would look like 22 years down the road. But then, once again, when in life do things ever go as we had planned?

So, how can you help? First off, if you’re in San Antonio-be my friend!! Getting out of the house and being around peers my age will be key. As mentioned above, I am also looking to join a church and serve in the preschool ministry and join an all-women’s young adult small group (the small group doesn’t have to be associated with the church necessarily). If you’re not in San Antonio (which is the majority of you), stay in touch! Facetime and phone dates are great gifts. If you’re down for inviting me to stay with you for a night or two as I visit friends on my gap year, that would be wonderful. If you’re in San Antonio or nearby, let me know-I would love to see you. If you have ideas for how to make friends post grad, let me know. I am a social person in every sense of the word and so the thought of not living with two of my closest friends and within blocks of other friends scares me. I also welcome any TV show suggestions, book suggestions or recommendations for new hobbies. Finally, you can pray. My family and I need a whole lot of those. Prayers for wisdom in what to do next in my health care journey. Prayers to find the right team of doctors to address my medical needs and give me hope of some sort of improvement in quality of life. Prayers for my depression. Prayers for the Lord to provide me with guidance in how He wants to use my talents to the best of my ability to glorify His Kingdom. Prayers for my future spouse, if that is in His will. Prayers that I stay in touch with those that I’ve met at Baylor that mean so much to me. Prayers that I find a church home. Prayers that I find a small group. Prayers that the career path He wants me to pursue is made clear. Prayers that I find community in San Antonio. Prayers for my parents as they continue to go above and beyond to care for their sick child. Prayers for answers. Prayers for hope, determination, faithfulness and strength.

In the Lord’s prayer, the line “not my will but Yours be done” and I don’t think there’s a better phrase to describe this next phase of life I am beginning to enter. May I trust His will and His greater plan, because in the end, it’s not about me, it’s all about Him.

^“ This is the reason we do not give up. Our human body is wearing out. But our spirits are getting stronger every day. The little troubles we suffer now for a short time are making us ready for the great things God is going to give us forever. We do not look at the things that can be seen. We look at the things that cannot be seen. The things that can be seen will come to an end. But the things that cannot be seen will last forever.” -2 Corinthians 4:16-18