Today was a bad day.
I hadn't had the best weekend health wise and weather changes severely affect people with POTS (With weather changes, when the pressure is changed that is more than enough to set off our symptoms) and here in Texas we had a 50 degree weather change last night (and it's going back up 50 degrees Wednesday night, Lord help me) so I have not been doing well the last few hours. Last night I threw up a large amount and continued to feel extremely nauseous (sorry, POTS is gross, I know) so I ended up cramming myself into our tiny bathroom and laying on the floor for five hours waiting for it to pass. By the time I got back to my bed, it was 5:30. I was exhausted & my back hurt from lying on the cold tile floor. I fell asleep (thankfully) until my mom woke me up at 1 for tutoring (Today I returned to my homebound schooling routine after a wonderful and relaxing two week break...not too happy about that). I passed out trying to change shirts & lasted less than 20 minutes in tutoring. All in all, I passed out a dozen times today, had more than a half dozen episodes and continued to feel sick to my stomach. It was a bad day.
On days like this where I'm unable to get out of bed, I just want it to be over. Not just the bad day, but POTS is general. POTS has affected me in more ways than I count. It's on days like this I tell myself "today will be better" but really, will it be better? After a series of bad days you really start to question yourself, will it really get better? It's been almost two years yet it feels like 20 years. The days drag on, time is slow. With my senior year only a semester away, everyone continues to talk about how "time is flying by". For me, the time before I became chronically ill seems a long ways away and it seems as if those years flew by. However. since then the days keep dragging on and I keep looking forward to better days. It's really hard to "enjoy the moment" when so many of the moments suck.
The "light at the end of the tunnel" is the hope that I'll grow out of POTS in my late 20's (that is a possibility, not a for sure thing and regardless I'll have some symptoms for the rest of my life) and when I got diagnosed I kept hearing "oh just 12 more years or so and it will all be over!" That may not seem like a lot of time to you and in the grand scheme of my life maybe it's not, but when those 12 years are 12 years of hell 12 years seems like a long time away. When all you're wishing for is for that day to approach where your healthy and can live a normal life (whatever normal is) is 12 (now ten) years away that's a crazy long period of time. With my two year anniversary coming up, two years may have gone by but that means only 1/6th of the pain and suffering is gone. The light at the end of the tunnel is there, it just seems distant.
I really do consider myself to be a positive person and in general I do have a positive attitude, but everyone is entitled to bad days. However, my bad days are more numerous than the average person and generally seem to be worse than the typical high school student's "bad day". I know it could always be worse, but thinking "someone always has it worse" is like thinking "someone always will be happier than me". The struggle with my journey is I know God has a plan and I know He's working in my life and I truly do believe in His perfect timing, it's just hard to see what that looks like when I have so many days like the kind of day I had today.
What I just shared is an opening of my heart and emotions. I really do try to be positive on other social networks (not once today did I post anything on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook about today being hard) but this blog is where I'm going to outlet my feelings. I may smile on the outside but on the inside I'm breaking and in pain. This blog is a place for me to share what's really going on in my life and with my health battle and give ya'll an insight to my internal thoughts.
To close on an ending note, I'm going to share the words that currently grace the lock screen on my phone (read it from God's perspective):
"I'm here.
I love you.
I don't care if you need to stay up crying with you all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you can ever do to lose My love. I will protect you until you die, and after you death I will still protect you. I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness
and nothing will
ever exhaust Me."
I hope that encouraged ya'll, thanks again for reading and your words of support, it really does mean a lot. Here's to a better tomorrow..
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